I understand that our generation was brought up with somewhat tough circumstances, I mean back then, most parents thought second hand smoking will strengthen the lungs and maybe cure a child’s asthma, when whiskey was an appropriate desensitizer, and most families considered the space between the backseat and the back windshield a legitimate seat for the smallest family member, who is almost always just a little bit beyond infancy age; even the lap of the driver at times was also considered as a suitable space for those kids who are able to steer the car responsibly, while the driver is trying to light up a cigarette from the car lighter, more than often it would be dropped on the car’s floor and the entire residents of the car will start looking for it so the car won’t catch on fire, mind you the responsible steering kid is not part of the searching squad , hence his duty to begin with.
My mother caught my brother smoking, she choked him nearly to death, to teach him that if he wants to smoke, he can only smoke my father’s Kent brand, not her Marlboro’s. No need to dwell on the past good old days; our parents were a different generation who had it even tougher than us.
Why is everyone having a baby emotional craze these days? We have a family WhatsApp group, and my cousin posts pictures and videos of her new-born, not that I mind it, yet I believe she should stick to “the less is more” rule, but this is not the issue, the issue is the comments she receives from the rest of the group members, I think if any child protection agency would hack into this group they will all be taken to Guantanamo for child abuse, the comments varies from, oh she so cute to:
- I wanna squeeze her
- I wanna bite her
- I wanna smosh her,
- I wanna squish her,
- I wanna eat her,
- I wanna smash her
- I wanna crush her
- I swear one cousin said repeatedly I wanna punch her.
And don’t get me started on the baby equipment, I mean having a baby these days requires more equipment than a mission to mars, so many transportation devices with several vehicles for several ages to suit many different terrains and fluctuating temperatures, there is a McLaren stroller out there! Are babies racing each other now? Car seats are so high tech now you need a professional pit-stop crew to help you get the baby in and out of the car. There are high chairs and low chairs and chair boosters, what ever happened to sit your ass here and eat? There is something called 7AM suit; it really looks like an orange astronaut suit. Where is this baby going? If the baby needs all that gear, how are you only in shorts and flip flops?
Parents of our generation are completely way in over their heads with trying to be the greatest parents ever, giving the children whatever they want, spoiling the crap out of them, even the naming strategy is driving me crazy, people from all ethnicities now want a name the west can pronounce, some go to the extent of using only western names, as if all their ugly little mutants are all going to be models and Hollywood superstars, but wait! Are Ashton Kutcher and Channing Tatum western Hollywood names? I have identified the most annoying parents that I can’t stand into 10 different categories:
I was with parents who had a very chubby big built-up baby boy, I naturally said: oh my god, he is so buffed up, he looks like a bouncer. And the father gave me this nasty grim look and said: you think my son is gonna become a bouncer? And it became very awkward real quick.
And I was thinking to myself, I really don’t see rocket science coming out of this kid while he is head-butting other toddlers.
2. The Religious
So after that bouncer incident, I decided not to make any remarks like that, and just be enthusiastic about the babies, so I see this really cute little girl and I say : god damn you how pretty you are. And the mother lost her mind at me and said: what the hell is the matter with you, you don’t put a curse spell on little children like that. And she took the kid and ran away from the room, as if I am lord Voldemort from harry potter.
3. The Superstitious
So after the Voldemort incident, I just wanted to stick to the neutral niceties, so I see this ok looking boy with green eyes and I say: oh he is so cute with big green big eyes. And the father said to me right away : say “mashalla”, knock on wood. And screamed at his wife: how many times did I tell we shouldn’t take him without his blue pin that repels evil eyes.
4. The Royals
This guy at dinner brings out his son and with austere rhetorical fashion says: here is the heir to my family, here is my crown prince, the second in line, the one who will carry the family name. And then he theatrically announces the baby’s name reciting the entire lineage: here is Idrees bin saeed bin Othman bin idrees “the 1st” abu seyed bin abdul il montaqim, tribe of galulu sect of the south. Walak alla yintaqim minnak .
Walak heir to what? “Heiry feek”, you just asked me to give you hotspot in your own house, you broke ass mother fu---r, and I swear if my grandmother was alive, she will confirm that your grandfather “Idrees the 1st “ used stuff pillows down the street to barter for food.
He is the guy who is mesmerised by the gift of birth, and he is always unable to explain to you how wonderful it is, and keeps saying: bro, no, no really, you don’t know, really you cannot begin to understand, it’s something else, it’s something you’ve never felt bro, I’m telling you can’t, until you have one, it’s the best man.
And I’m thinking in my head; bro relax cats can have babies, and I just saw cat eating her kittens, so shut the hell up.
6. The Zombies
They are new parents who have not slept since the German invasion, they are always complaining about how hard raising children is. They are pale, slim, with black under their eyes, their brains are completely moshed up, it’s the typical mom looking for her keys while the keys are in her, and she is actually pointing with keys at where she had them last. I wonder how it is a cosmic rarity that the Zombies and the Compassionates are never in the same room. I was once bragging in a gathering that I would like to climb Mount Kilimanjaro, and out of nowhere a Zombie woman with a baby on her hip came to life and furiously screamed at me: you know raising twins is hardest thing in the world, it is harder than climbing this mountain of yours. I was a bit taken back the rude interference and the weird illogical comparison and replied sarcastically: well I wouldn’t really know, because I never attempted to climb “the 4th tallest mountain in the world” and I don’t have twins, however, just a thought, many esteemed athletes lost their lives trying concur this obstinate African summit, on the other hand I don’t know of any parents who lost their lives building sand castles; or drowning in ball pools! She yells back: : it is more than full time job I tell you, it is like nothing you’ve ever done before, no, no, no one knows what we have to go through, NO ONE. And in a very psychotic manner, she kindly looks at the baby on her hip and speaks to him/her so gently with a shaky about to cry voice: but it’s the most rewarding job ever, ever! And she wonders off into the crowd and like a zombie again.
These are the strangest of all parental groups, one woman told me that she bathes with her child, I thought it was cute until a 12 year boy runs to her and lashes out her boob and starts suckling away, I had to close my dropped jaw and ask: is this the same baby you bathe with? And she answered ever so confidently: yes, I want to teach him that our bodies are nature’s works of art, and there is nothing to be ashamed of. And the boy grabbed the boob with hands and winked at me.
She also revealed that she has serious make out sessions with her husband in front of the boy, so he feels that sex and desire is a not a sin, and to never feel guilty for his yearnings, it felt like a title from a very X rated porn sitcom.
On another not, apparently she doesn’t believe in vaccinations as well, so other parents are petrified from her disease infested bio hazard incest.
9. The Cool Dudes
These are the parents who think teaching their children all the swear words is cool, and encourage them to misbehaving, they literally enjoy brining up menaces. Because they were losers themselves and bullied so much growing up, I think those parents should be castrated and forbidden from the privilege of reproduction.
We were at a get together were kids were running around like headless chickens, as they do of course, so one guy was coming out of the toilet, and one kid named Dylan(I call him Dylan the villain, and of course he is born to both Arabic parents) screamed out in front the whole group: hey look his zipper is open, and he has a tiny Dick. And starts running around pointing at the poor man who is melting in his skin: tiny winy dick. And he made it into a song.
So I felt bad the guy and went to boy’s father and requested him to ask Dylan to stop embarrassing our friend. So the guy calls Dylan and brings him over and says: Baba, Dylan, what do we tell people like this man here? Pointing at me, Dylan said : you don’t have a small dick, you have a vagina, hahhahahahah. And gave me the finger and ran off. And father exploded in laughter and told Dylan: Dylan tell him the “ your mama joke” I taught you, to which the Dylan turns to me in front of this huge audience and tells me: your mama is so ugly, she went to the haunted house and came out with a job offer. And he continues, your mama is so old, her first xmass is the first xmass, your mama is so fat she wears a watch in each hand for different time zones. And the father was cracking up. At this point I was annoyed so I tell the father: come on man! There are ladies here. To which he said: hey Dylan, what do we tell this guy here again. Dylan looks at me and said : Man, you are so hairy, when you were born you gave your mama’s vagina a rug burn. And at this point everybody started laughing at me.
10. Tha Nanny Wagon
These guys are the modern day slave owners, they have crew and staff looking after their 2 kids, each assigned a task specifically tailored for this little wanker’s mood swings, following them around trying to feed them, carrying them because they don’t feel like walking, carrying all their toys and bicycles, just in case they get bored in the freaking zoo and want to be entertained some more. And of course these kids feel entitled like mini masters, throwing crazy tantrums if the help eats some of their ice cream or a French fry, and lose their minds if they use their ipads when these little bastards are busy torturing another staffer.