Nowadays, whining became more of a competition; the one with most things to moan about is the one working the hardest.
I accidentally ran into two old friends of mine at a coffee shop near my office, I have not seen them since we lived back in Jordan. At the beginning, it was a typical catching up about current news and of course, lots and lots of smoking took place on their part, Jordanians are the heaviest smokers in the region, cigarettes are such a big part of our lives that we actually use it as a time unit, a typical complaint about unpunctuality would be “you are so late I smoked half a pack waiting for you”; it is even used to measure distances, “smoke two cigarettes and you will be there”, planning for gatherings requires careful cigarette inventory forecasting, in posh funerals, we place all brands of cigarettes on a tray as a gesture of generous hospitality.
During this little chitchat, a sudden sense of great negativity filled the smoky air, my friends were in a very weird mental place, they constantly complained about living abroad, not about Dubai per se, since I am a devoted Dubai litigator, they hated being away from home, they were severely homesick, as all they did was reminisce about Jordan, they spoke of the glorious days when we were kings among men, I was not so sure about which demented past they were referring to, I guess the combination of being abroad and in total seclusion creates a drastic mutation of home sickness. They glorified anything from their past, events that were so trivial became enshrined within their memories; the people in these stories became mythical gods. One of which is what they call the Day of the Big Fire, I was so intrigued by the detailed storytelling technique, the theatrical settings, the rhetorical characters, and the events were so intense, that I really wanted to know when and where did this happen? Amman is a tiny town for such an event to take place so I needed to know all about it, and the story goes like this:
Apparently, there was a big battle in the neighborhood where some men took out their daggers and others unshielded their swords, streets were closed down, no one was able to pass through, a gigantic bald headed guy called Abed was the cause of this insane event, he was madly in love with a girl from the neighborhood, and her family was receiving another assemblage (Jaha) to ask for her hand in marriage, he lost his mind and terrorized the neighborhood, he closed down the street by burning his truck tires in front of her house, and he snatched gas cylinders that were installed in the walls by chains with his bare hands, and he set them all on fire and rolled them down the street towards the family of the new groom to be, as they were walking up the street towards her house, burning everything in their way exploding at impact with parked cars, her cousins needed to defend the family honor, and they happen to be butchers, so some came with butcher knives and others came with machetes, they surrounded Abed who took out a samurai sword and fought them off for the entire night, and it took 8 battalions from the army and civil defense to subdue Abed, he needed 138 stitches to be able to appear in court, and was sentenced to 18 years with hard labor for stabbing 21 people, burning 11 cars and burning down two buildings rendering 16 families homeless.
My jaw dropped, I had to slap myself back into consciousness, I was literally mesmerized with the intensity of this event, the accuracy of the statistics of the damages and causalities, it must have been covered and broadcasted by an international news agency, it makes you feel that the UN had to interfere as well.
But one thing that really didn't sit well with me, it was the fact that this happened in close vicinity to where I used to live. I must have some recollection of such an incident, so I started asking for more details about this Abed guy, who is he and where did he live? Then I came to find out that this is not Abed, this is Abboud, the janitor’s son who had some sort of a mental disability and he was in love with Farah, a girl who lived in the building that his father serviced, people thought he was insanely strong because they thought he was a kid, however, he had a growth impediment, so in fact he was a 38 year old man who looked like a boy, and when his father told him to clean the entrance because the groom’s family was coming to ask for Farah’s hand, he lost his mind, he stole all the shoes and slippers from a nearby mosque during the Friday prayer, which is a lot of shoes, he placed them at the entrance of the building and set them on fire, a big crazy gathering took place because people were barefoot trying to save their shoes, and he was threatening people with a lit pesticides can that eventually exploded in his hand, burning most of his forehead and eyebrows, he did lose a finger and a half, but there was no court, he was taken for 18 months to a mental psychiatric institution.
That’s the story of the day of the big fire.
After going through this experience, I realized that there are many people who live abroad and hate every single moment of it, these people came here by their own will, nobody is forcing them to stay, stop the complaining, if where you came from is so much better, please go back home.
Here is a list of 20 people who should go back home:
- The nostalgic
These are people who feel they descended from larger than life surroundings, as if they lived in mount Olympus among Zeus and Apollo.
The closest you have ever been to an epic moment is probably your graduation
- The cultured
This guy complains that he needs culture more in his life
The biggest cultural event you’ve ever attended was your own circumcision, and you were 15
- The Educator
This guy complains that the education system here is inadequate and not up to international standards
The first time your father saw a newspaper was as a sandwich wrapping
- The bald eagle
This country is making him lose his hair
Even women in your family have bald spots
- The vegan
Vegetables and fruits look good but have no taste, even our cucumber smelled from a mile away,
the first time you saw a mango you took a selfie with and posted it on Facebook, and most of your cousins commented “you ve always loved orange juice”
- The immigrant
This guy is always looking to apply to Canada, Australia etc…
your family is so gypsy, when they took you to the airport, they camped on the highway for 2 weeks.
- The fatso
He was Mr. Universe back home, this country is making him fat, it’s not his discount card at McDonalds! Or his honorary membership at kfc!
your family is so fat, all your cousins have no siblings, they are so fat they kill their mothers during birth
- The Broke
He wants to save but this country is so damn expensive and the capitalist system is thieving his savings away
When you were employed back home, your savings were in beans and seeds and rodent networks were thieving your savings away
- Don Juan
Women are ruining his life, it’s too much, they can’t keep their hand off of him
you are so freaking ugly you are the reason prostitutes seek salvation and find god.
- The Hilton heiress
Her father is a tycoon in her country, but she really loves being a receptionist, meet and greet is her passion, and plus it keeps her busy and away from Hermes stores
the first time you went to the mall you got lost and security had to escort you out.
- The son of Caesar
His father had an empire back home, factories, trading companies, but apparently sometime during the mogul invasion they lost it all
your family is so poor they are buried vertically
- The tax man
He is always saying that there are so many hidden taxes here, if you were to calculate it, you will realize we have more taxation than France
you talk about France, they refused to sell you croissant at Carrefour because you could not pronounce it.
- The superstar
His life is so busy, clubbing, lounging, he wants to get away from it all
you are such a loser even Just Jalafel didn’t give you a table.
- The Bachelor
He is not in a relationship because women here are not like the ones back home
You wanted to marry your cousin, and she acid attacked herself
- The lawn is always greener guy
This guy complains when he is abroad and misses everything about home, but when he is home he shows off about how great it is abroad and he is very disgusted with how primitive it is home.
You are so annoying your own mother joined the Red Cross to get away from you
- The nurturer
he won’t up bring his kids here, he deems the city and the social climate unfit for their personality growth
Your upbringing was so bad; taking narcotics was a neighborhood competition
- The Romantic
He is in love with a girl back home, and has been promising her to come home and propose once he has saved enough money
This woman has moved on so long ago, her children are on linked in
- The workaholic
This is the inefficient guy who is always under work pressure, he is the guy hoarding the elevators in commercial towers with his coffee cop, always hanging out at the entrance for cigarette breaks
You are so lazy and insignificant your work station is a tray on baby highchair
- The conservative
Too much indecency, clubs, drinking, beaches
You are the pervert posting as a marine biologist taking photos of bikinis
- The entrepreneur
He is always on to the new Uber idea, or he wants to copy a business model from here to take it home, but never got the financial backing, “if I had 5 million dollars I will show you”
you are so stupid you brought goggles to a think -tank meeting
Disclaimer : this article does not hint in no way shape or form to anyone who was forced out of their home countries, we of all people sympathise with refugees all over the world.