The boys and I planned a guys’ night out, finally we were able to arrange for all of us to get passes on the same night, arranging for this to happen needs deep knowledge in astrophysics, because the stars and the moons have to be aligned for such a rare occurrence to take place. We walked into the Yacht Club in Dubai Marina ever so excited chatting and contemplating among ourselves whether to order a full bottle or fast track draught beer followed with Jagermeister shots, not knowing that we have a bigger hurdle to overcome, it appears that the yacht club has a dress code.
The two statements don't even make sense in the same sentence, who in the world goes yachting in a suit? Can you imagine Onassis with Jackie Kennedy being stopped at the door of Dubai yacht club for a dress code violation?
Fortunately enough for us we had been drinking since noon, and we were half way to happy land, my friend Bilal, one of the “enthusiastic guys” (that’s polite for drunk) lashed out at the bouncers and with a very condescending tone said: “I have a yacht here, and we just came back from the sea, please let my friends in, we are very tired and thirsty”, and Bilal tries to walk in casually as if he is a member in this fashion palace, a huge big black bouncer, who is blocking our gateway to fulfill our journey to happy land, stopped Bilal with his hand and looked at him from head to toe and with a very thick Nigerian accent said: “you don't look like you own a yacht, I don't think you even own an automobile”, we all started laughing hysterically, the bouncer however was not entertained, and you can hear Bilal’s broken ego flickering in his voice as he said: “I could own a yacht”, and the bouncer swiftly responded: “not even if you win one can you afford to birth it here”. At this point we were literally on the floor, and I think one of the guys peed himself, Bilal is struggling to come out of this, especially that his audience turned on him, he said: “my friend, I don't understand, we are dressed nicely, why cant we go in?” and the ruthless bouncer understood that this power struggle has come to an end and responded: “what nicely? You are wearing a money exchange uniform, and you really should see a podiatrist for your toe nails, I won’t let your Ebola feet in my club, you should be under quarantine”. We laughed so hard and so loud that no one heard Bilal when he screamed back and said: “this is an Armani exchange t-shirt, not a money exchange uniform, and my condition is not Ebola, its hereditary”.
However entertaining this story is, and regardless of the fact that Bilal’s toes are the natural outcome of cousins getting married, this event got me thinking about how we (men) have been the victims of an autocratic fashion regime, looking back at how long this tyranny has ruled our lives got me so furious, especially when my niece was looking at photos of my college days, she wondered why I attended so many engagements and weddings during my university years, and when I informed her that this was me and my friends clubbing and partying, and these clubs had strict dress code rules, dress pants and shirts with dress shoes, she said and I quote “ well you all look like groomsmen from a bad eighties movie”. I would not have taken offense to this statement had these photos been taken in the 90’s, but the humiliation resides in the fact that these were taken in mid 2000s. It’s true, this dress code situation has enslaved us to be eighties groomsmen forever, I wonder if this is how club owners see their male clientele! And the irony of this situation is that they hire bouncers to police the attire, these steroid freaks that used to wear Crazy-Wear pajamas are now regulating apparel. Or is it because they wear army boots with suits?
Can someone please explain to me when did the global dress code seminar take place? How is it that every single man on earth is completely oblivious to this code? What does this code monitor exactly? What is being regulated here? How does a collared t-shirt add to the sophistication of an outfit? How can we in this day and age distinguish between running Puma’s and casual hip Puma’s? And for the love of god, how is it that we (men) cannot wear shorts and women are running around half naked, and sometimes in shorts literally, I have seen women in shorts in black-tie events (not that I am complaining) but this is reverse sexism, where is the equality? Bilal’s condition has been passed to his sister, and yes, she flaunts these Ebola feet as if they are eye candy, and the red nail polish adds to the severity of the condition making it seem as if they are constantly bleeding, but no one has ever stopped her, even when she was wearing beach slippers and a table cloth, she was sitting at the head of the table at Zuma making a toast for the newlyweds (by the way she is a great public speaker with an amazing sense of humor, but horrible sense of fashion).
“Most of the fashion gurus are homosexual men, and they have been discriminated against and out-casted for ages by straight men, so these faggots got together and decided to punish the straight male community by making them adhere to this ridiculous code and enforcing dull fashion attire as retribution. For the gay community, sense of fashion is a major pillar to their ideology, hence their flag, did anyone ever stop to realize that they stole the rainbow? That was their first item on their declaration of independence; the rainbow was for everyone, not anymore for the straight man, no straight man could even come close to it. They make us wear layers on top of layers of fabric, making us sweat and boil with our own body heat, slow roasting, the more sophisticated the event, the more layers men need to wear (don’t get me started on vests), and to add insult to injury they produced one piece of fashion item that literally represent the hanging rope, the “tie” symbolizes an emblem of grief for the homosexuals that were lynched back in the days. Dancing is another major pillar in the gay ideology, so they created all these dancing requirements and crafted impossible moves for such events to raise the slow cooking torture method to a higher level, not to forget the humiliation of how ludicrous straight men look dancing in these hot oven penguin suits”.
Someone out there might argue that what else is there to wear other than suits and jeans? The human culture is so diverse and rich with countless fashion styles, it breaks my heart when I see the Chinese prime minister wearing a suit, if you grew up watching old Kung Fu movies, you will understand how rich this culture is in terms of fashion, watching any international summit is morbidly disappointing since all attendees are wearing suits in all fifty shades grey, (stolen rainbow). We laugh at writers and movie directors when they portray people from the future wearing a uniform, if aliens were watching us, they will think a tasteless tailor invaded us.
It brings me endless joy when watching these summits and all the attendees are on stage in their uniforms, and there is always this one African guy wearing the colorful African attire; and on the other side an Arab in the traditional Arabian outfit. The best thing about the gulf countries is that they have not given up to the fashion imperialism, maybe it’s not the richest in terms of variety, but they did not conform.
The biggest indication and proof to the frustration of this fashion ordeal is what happens during Halloween, Do you really have to fight bulls to wear the “Traje de luces” the suit of light, where are the Ponchos in the winter? The scots have a good thing going with the Kilt, looks very loose and extremely breezy, it should be high up there on the new fashion items to be adopted and I bet most men will concur.
And the ultra coolest outfit is the Kavkaz warrior outfit with the Shashkas (daggers), with all due respect to our fellow Adiga fellows out there, you do have a strong sense of tradition, but I'm sorry, your culture should not only be performed on stage during heritage concerts, and with a few songs played in weddings, it should be embraced full fledge, imagine attending a meeting in your sleek ass warrior outfit with the daggers on your belt? the Yemenis and Omanis are doing it, but not half as cool! What happened to the entire samurai world? All that’s left are men obsessed the length of their camera lenses.
Even hair styles have been industrialized to one size fits all scheme, where the Japanese pony tail is, Mohawk came and left in a blink, I think the traditional Mongol hair style is better than this boring hair do of Tony Blair that all men apply.
We need a fashion house to address these issues immediately, and I want us (men) to boycott those out there conspiring against us, haven’t we suffered enough? These are the sins of our forefathers…